40 Revolutions

 

During my childhood, I held the belief that adults possessed an entirely different mindset. Naturally, individuals have distinct worldviews, but I presumed there was a fundamental perspective that evolved as people reached certain stages in their lives, if that makes any sense.

To illustrate, toddlers perceived the world as a playground, teenagers assessed what was considered cool or uncool, mothers instinctively knew how to care for infants, fathers possessed the ability to fix anything broken, and senior citizens found beauty within their own age group. These perspectives, I believed, were unchangeable. Toddlers couldn't fix things, mothers weren't seen as cool, and fathers were prohibited from playing games. That was my understanding.

As I matured, I eagerly awaited these epiphanies to occur. Each year, when the clock struck midnight on my birthday, I half-expected something to click in my mind, transforming me into a different person from who I was at 11:59.

I thought I would possess the knowledge I hadn't known before, experience emotions I had never felt, and overcome fears that once plagued me. And it would happen instantaneously, as if by magic.

As we all know, life doesn't unfold that way. We do change as we grow older, but the boundaries of these changes are blurry, unlike the lines on a basketball court. We transform in gradients, like shades of the same color.

The younger version of me, naive, frightened, and lost, looked up to a 40-year-old father of three and thought, "There's nothing to worry about. When I reach his age, I'll probably handle life just like he does."

Approaching the stroke of midnight on my 40th birthday, I realized that I am still that same naive, scared, and lost boy.

Did my father feel this way too?

Did he struggle to find his own path, as I am struggling now?

Was he also afraid of life?

So many questions I may never find answers to. I simply have to assume that he did the best he could with what he had at the time. I hope I can do the same.

For now, I'll savor this 40th journey around the sun with some cake and beer.